


take me back to the start

by pcdolski



Category: Die Mannschaft, Football RPF, Sarah Brandner/ Bastian Schweinsteiger, Sastian
Genre: F/M, prepare to die, soul shattering fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-24 08:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4912030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcdolski/pseuds/pcdolski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Maybe he just wanted to see her face again, one last time, reminded of all the memories they made together, all the things they’ve experienced, everything he left behind, threw away. </p><p>He knows it was selfish to come here."</p>
            </blockquote>





	take me back to the start

**Author's Note:**

> so here it is, the soul shattering, life sucking, sastian one shot an anon asked me to write months ago  
> now i finally found the strength to write something and this is it
> 
> i recommend listening to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A) while reading
> 
> enjoy x

 

_Loving someone who cannot love you the same way in return is not weakness._  
I _t's one of the most courageous things you'll ever do._ _You are putting  
_ _your armour at their feet and you are saying_

_"I will not fight you in this.  
I have loved you and that means  
I have already won."_

 

 

“Sugar?”

“Yes, please. Thank you.”

Sarah smiles brightly as the waitress takes her order and leaves. It’s nine in the morning, the small cafe at Gärtnerplatz in Munich is already filled with people, most of them sitting outside, enjoying the warm summer day.

Sarah chose a place on the inside for a good reason. Two small benches, separated by a lean table, directly by the tall windows, offering a beautiful view but still shielded from unwanted looks through the outside mirroring glass.

It’s mid-summer, the sun is burning hot from the sky and Sarah is wearing her favourite dress, the white one with lace, the one he-

“Your coffee, young lady.”

Sarah looks up and takes a second before smiling again, takes her coffee with a sigh. “Thank you.”

She starts stirring the brown liquid, mixing the cream-white of the foam with the dark brown of the caffe, defacing the little heart shape of cinnamon on the top.

 

“Still the same order?”

An all too familiar voice hits her, makes Sarah subliminally catch her breath for a second and before she notices, she's breathing again. She blinks once, twice, once again, doesn’t look up. It’s been too long.

“Coffee without milk, but a lot of sugar.”

Bastian sits down on the bench across from her, smiles without teeth, it looks tighter than a grin she faintly remembers. “As always.”

Sarah puts a strand of her bright blonde hair behind her ear, smiles back and nods, her eyes locked on the mixed cream colours in her cup of coffee. “As always.”

 

The awkward silence is quite as uncomfortable as she imagined it to be. It's been three days since Basti has called her, longer for them, and she finds a little shame in how she has thought about nothing else. She continues stirring, unnecessarily, the spoon clinks against the porcelain with a steady rhythm. Bastian shifts on the bench, his eyes following her spoon, then her features and it feels like it did before, she shakes the thought.

“How are you?”

The animated noise from the full cafe went silent a few minutes ago already, the talking and laughing of the people, the clanking from the dishes, the clatter of waitress’ shoes on the wooden floor, walking up and down. She can't figure out if it's just because it's him, he's here, and it's just the same. It’s just them. On the small table by the tall windows. Sarah puffs out air, it almost sounds like a laughter, and looks up. For the first time. Bastian’s eyes widen.

“I’m okay.”, she lies, a worn smile on her lips, making him a stranger to her thoughts she once shared with him, unconditionally. She's done it before, she'll do it again, she's learned to be braver, brittle and she swore it wouldn't be like this again.

Bastian bites the inside of his lips, the familiar taste of blood, anxious wanting, filling his mouth within seconds. He looks at her and he has no idea how but he forgot, he forgot why he came here, can’t remember what he wanted to say, what he wanted to tell her. Maybe he never actually knew. They promised they wouldn't make excuses, same mistakes and it's been so long but it's Sarah, right? It's not the same.

Maybe he just wanted to see her face again, one last time, reminded of all the memories they made together, all the things they’ve experienced, everything he left behind, threw away.

He knows it was selfish to come here.

 

“Is it settled?”

Bastian blinks as he gets pulled out of his thoughts by Sarah’s voice, the usual clearness faded, thick stupor. He is somewhat terrified at how it sounds unfamiliar.

“That you will leave I mean.”

Bastian nods, can’t find the words at first, clears his throat. “Yeah, yes. The flight goes in two hours actually. They- They’re just making it official. Rummenigge I mean. Bayern.”

“Oh”, is all Sarah brings out. And it's an awful noise in the back of her throat and all Bastian can do is remember. It's the same sound when he told her they were done, when he was in hospital, when she left, breaks him just the same.

She looks down and starts stirring again, the coffee must be cold by now, she didn’t even drink from it once, wholly glad it gives her hands something to do. She fiddles slightly and slows, already knows it's too late.

“Well I…”, Bastian wipes over his mouth with one hand, watches the blonde strand falling from behind Sarah’s ear again, suppressing the familiar urge to put it back again. “I just- just wanted to say goodbye, actually.”

Silence again. A thousand unspoken words pervading the air between them, unthought thoughts scratching at the insides of their heads, false promises embracing their hearts tightly, thousands of unfulfilled dreams mirroring in their eyes, dulls them just the same.

“Okay.”

Sarah nods, slightly, more to herself, wiping away a tear quickly, wills herself to be stronger. He already sounds like a stranger and this is what's left.

Bastian notices he must be staring when Sarah looks up, lips pressed to a thin line where once her bright smile drove him crazy, her eyes saying everything she can’t form into words.

He looks down cowardly, a knot building in his chest and they were never the best at saying goodbye. He remembers her hands pressed against his forehead, how they would pull each other into dark hallways and how it always meant so much. How she was loyal, how she loved him, how he loved her back, how she stayed.

 

Bastian stands up from the bench after a while of saying nothing, a while of waiting for something that won’t happen, unbearable silence, never knew that it could mean this much.

He keeps standing at the table for a few more moments longer and he doesn’t know what exactly he is expecting, but it feels wrong to leave already and at the same time he knows it’s time to. He just remembers that she loved him, how every look always felt like the first, how it always felt like home with her.

He notices her white dress, the one with the lace he bought for her birthday once. He swallows, remembers how she looked when she first wore it, the tight feeling in his chest when she smiled at him, earnest and with love and something more. Is this it? Already?

He bites his tongue, prevents himself from saying more stupid things, from making everything even worse even though he’s sure that’s not quite possible and he ignores the awful noise in his head. How he looks at her and remembers the easy way they fell in love, how it feels the same, how he won't let it be more than this. At the time, it felt right to let go but now there's an ache in his fingers for all the places he will never touch and he remembers how she isn't his anymore, how he isn't hers.

"Are you still with-" Bastian asks before he loses the will.

"Yes," she pauses, then says, "Is she-"

"Yes," he gives a quick reply, a little too quick, and he can't bring himself to bring the two together, it feels wrong thinking of her with Sarah so close.

No one ever told her how hard it is, nothing ever prepared her for the feeling, looking at someone you love more than life itself, trying to remember every detail of their face, knowing it’s time to say goodbye and let go.

She looks at him like it's the last time, like this is it, finally goodbye, no turning back.

 

"See you again, Sarah.”

Sarah lays down her spoon, can't do much more.

“Goodbye, Basti.”

**Author's Note:**

> i would like to thank [anjum](http://thousands-of-splendid-suns.tumblr.com) a thousand times for not only proofreading and correcting this little one shot, but also adding a lot of stuff and thus improving it _a lot._ i'd like to add her as co-author but this hoe deleted her account..still, thank you thank you thank you x2562


End file.
